


They Said We Made a Perfect Pair

by a_scholar



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Angst, Deception, Fluff, Good Intentions, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss, Past Relationship(s), Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-26 10:04:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10784637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_scholar/pseuds/a_scholar
Summary: ”Adam. Sauli's been in a car crash.”





	1. Chapter 1

Adam steps out of a recording studio into a warm and sunny afternoon, happy about how the day's work has turned out but eager to be finally free. He can't wait to see Sauli. It's been almost three months. He checks his phone, which he's kept on silent and intentionally out of his reach so he would concentrate fully on working. There are several missed calls, most likely from Sauli. They're supposed to meet downtown after Adam is finished with his session, and he's not surprised if Sauli is feeling bored and impatient after waiting for so long. For once they've agreed that Sauli would take an Uber from LAX so Adam could spend the day wholly engaged with recording and then take some time off with a good conscience. He can hardly remember a time when he hasn't picked Sauli up himself, though. It's a bit of a chore to drive down there, but he knows entirely too well how nice it feels when a very familiar face picks you up after a long and grueling flight.

Before he can view the missed calls his screen alarms him of an incoming call from Danielle.

”What's up, sweetie?” he says as way of greeting while taking his car keys out of his pocket.

”Adam. Sauli's been in a car crash.”

The ground beneath his feet seems to give way.

”No. No.”

This isn't happening, he can't breathe.

”He's alive, Adam, he's not in danger,” Danielle says hastily.

He supports himself against the car and takes a moment to breathe deep, cold sweat breaking out and his pulse beating in his ears.

”Adam? Are you okay?”

”You should have started with that,” he chokes out, the adrenaline response making his body shake with small tremors. ”I thought the worst moment of my life was happening.”

”I'm sorry, but he's not entirely okay. He hit his head pretty hard.”

”What do you mean not entirely?!”

”He's really disoriented, I'm not sure what it means. Please just get in here quickly,” Danielle says, sounding like she's crying and ending the call.

He wrenches the car door open and gets in. As he's starting the engine he realizes Danielle was too messed up to tell which hospital he should drive to. He picks up the phone again—goddamn his hands are shaking. Taking the chance to flick through his calls he sees they're all from Danielle.

He grits his teeth together. It's going to take time before he'll get to any hospital in late afternoon traffic.

\---

She's waiting for him, sitting on a chair in the hallway. Her makeup is smudged.

”Sauli is asleep right now,” she says as he reaches her. ”We have to wait until he wakes up and says it's okay to come in. Physically he's pretty okay, only a sprained wrist, but Adam...”

 _But_. He feels nauseous, his heart in his mouth.

”He was unconscious when they brought him in. He's woken up a couple of times after that, but his memory is really fucked up.” She pauses, looking like she doesn't want to continue. ”He doesn't... He doesn't remember anything since—since 2012.”

Adam's blood runs cold. ”What... What does that mean? Is it permanent?"

"No, I was in the room so I heard them say they have every confidence he'll regain the memories, but it may take some time. He might remember everything the next time he wakes up, or he might remember it weeks or months from now.”

He nods blankly. It takes an effort to form any coherent thoughts. ”How are you here? What happened?”

”Apparently he woke up and they gave him his phone, but he couldn't look at the screen, said it hurt his head too much. So somebody asked if they should dial the last number he'd called and he said yeah. I assume he thought it was you he'd called last. I mean, I don't know what he was remembering. Some day in the fall of 2012,” she laughs brokenly. ”But it was me, he'd called me earlier 'cause he was getting bored waiting for you. So when he called me again from the hospital he wasn't making any sense, he was so disoriented that a nurse took over and explained what was going on. I came here straight away. And I don't know what happened, just that it was a car crash. The driver is in intensive care, I don't know if there was another car involved.”

None of this would have happened if he'd picked Sauli up as usual. He should have taken care of him.

"I should have picked him up,” he says in a hollow voice.

”Honey, no, you couldn't predict this.” She sounds so compassionate. ”Nobody can ever prepare for something like this. These things just happen, even though we wish they'd never happen to our loved ones.”

Adam stares at his shoes and wills himself not to cry.

”He didn't want to call his parents yet 'cause it's nighttime there.”

Adam checks his phone: it's 5 pm. ”Yeah, it's 3 am there,” he says from memory. Parents—oh. He should call his mom to check up on Pharaoh. He'll probably be here until night.

”He kept—” Danielle breaks off. So far she's held herself together, but now her voice breaks. ”He kept asking for you before he fell asleep.”

It's like someone is gripping Adam's heart and crushing it between their fingers.

”He wanted to know where you were. I told him you'd been recording and I couldn't reach you at first, but you were coming. We've told him it's 2017 and he understands it, he understands his own condition.”

Danielle bursts into tears and goes on in a shaky voice. ”He said he wanted to go home with you. Adam, he didn't even ask if you two were still together.” She starts sobbing uncontrollably.

Adam's vision gets blurred by his own tears.

”I'm. I need to.”

He turns on his heels and strides back towards a toilet sign he'd passed. He pulls open a stall door and throws up the contents of his stomach into a toilet bowl.

Afterwards he splashes water on his face, rinses his mouth and drags a hand through his blond hair. His eyes are blood-shot. He rests his face against a cool tiled wall for a while. God, he feels terrible. He would have to break Sauli's heart. For the first time. This is so different from the time those years ago when they both decided to call it off as a mutual decision.

”I'm sorry,” Danielle says when he gets back and collapses onto a chair next to her. She starts rubbing his back soothingly. ”It's just too sad. I feel so bad for him.”

They wait for over half an hour, mostly in silence. He doesn't have the energy to talk, just to stare blankly at a wall and go over everything in his head again and again.

”He could sleep for a long time, right?” He asks, turning his head to look at Danielle.

”I guess, but the previous times he's fallen asleep he's only slept for like an hour at most.”

”I'll be back in a sec.” He finds a nearby cafeteria and buys her a coffee and a sandwhich. He doesn't feel like eating, but gets himself a tea and chewing gum. Even though he's wearing a dark grey sweater and it's probably not cold in the hospital he's feeling slightly chilly.

Danielle smiles at him tiredly. ”Thanks, doll.”

It doesn't take long after that before a nurse goes into a room a few doors from where they're sitting, and soon comes out again.

”He's awake,” the nurse says to them. ”I take it you're Adam? He's asking for you.”

”Adam.” Danielle grabs his wrist as he stands up. ”Be gentle.”

With his heart beating so fast he thinks it's coming out of his chest he follows the nurse, who opens the door for him and closes it behind him.

\---

Sauli looks so small, lying on a hospital bed that has its head section raised, wearing a light blue hospital gown that leaves his arms bare from the elbows, his legs covered with a quilt. He looks entirely like himself, not really worse for wear, although his hair is a little messy and his right wrist bandaged. The only thing out of place is his missing nose ring and earrings, which must have been taken off for MRI scans. But the look in Sauli's eyes makes it clear everything is not normal. He looks utterly shocked, blue eyes wide as saucers. From that Adam knows Sauli hasn't regained his memories and he's meeting the Sauli from over four years ago.

”Sauli,” Adam whispers, rooted in place.

Sauli looks at him in absolute shock before closing his eyes for a second and opening them again.

"Adam,” he chokes out. ”You look so different. I guess I really must have lost years.” He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand as if making sure he's seeing right. ”Come here, let me see you."

Adam manages to get his legs working and walks up to him, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. He takes Sauli's left hand in his, the one without a bandage. They look at each other in silence for a while.

"I can't believe how gorgeous you look,” Sauli finally says, sounding entirely mesmerized. ”You've always been beautiful, but damn. When did you get this hot? I must be the luckiest son of a bitch on this planet."

Someone is repeatedly stabbing hot knives into Adam's chest. Tears start gathering in his eyes again, but not for the reason Sauli must think.

"Blond hair, stubble. And you look like... Like such a _man_ now."

Adam snorts through his tears. ”You look as pretty as ever, even post car crash.”

Sauli closes his eyes for a moment again. ”Your voice, too. It's a little deeper.”

Adam can feel his lips start quivering and he gulps for air to prevent himself from sobbing.

”Hey, baby. Don't be sad, I'm still me.” Sauli squeezes his hand.

”Yes, you are,” Adam chuckles tearfully and wipes his cheeks. ”You are so you. I'm sorry, I should have come get you."

"No, it's not your fault at all. They said I was coming from the airport. I was visiting Finland, right?"

He swallows and doesn't know what to say. ”Yeah, you were coming from Finland,” he rasps out.

There's such a soft smile on Sauli's face. His eyes are shining, looking at Adam. ”When can we go home?”

It hurts, it hurts so bad and Adam distracts himself by clenching his free hand into a fist so that his fingernails dig into his palm.

”I don't know how long they're keeping you here, babe, you hit your head pretty hard. They probably want to keep you for a couple of nights, but I'm sure we'll find out tomorrow. Let's discuss everything once that becomes clear.”

”Okay. You're not close enough,” Sauli points out, his eyes growing heavy with tiredness.

Adam gives a low chuckle and releases Sauli's hand. ”Well move over, then.”

Sauli shifts closer to the other edge and Adam gets on the bed, stretching to lie next to Sauli. He leans to press a brief kiss on Sauli's lips, smiling when Sauli makes a noise.

”More,” Sauli says.

”I'll kiss you properly next time when you're not half-asleep.”

He reaches for a control to lower the bed a bit and lays his head next to Sauli's, wraps an arm across Sauli's chest. ”You should sleep now, recover,” he says in a small voice. ”Who knows, your memory could be back when you wake up. I'll stay here until night. If you wake up before that we should call your parents.”

”Okay. I just don't want to sleep, I want to look at you.”

”You can look at me more later,” Adam whispers. ”There's no hurry.”

Sauli mumbles something and his eyes fall closed. Soon enough he's asleep, breathing softly and evenly. Adam doesn't leave immediately but stays there for a while, holding Sauli and wishing he could fall asleep too and just forget any of this has happened. It's scary to think how close he came to losing this important person.

\---

”Did you tell him?” Danielle asks right away when he slips away from Sauli's room and closes the door quietly.

”I couldn't,” he says honestly.

Danielle sighs heavily. ”I don't know if I'm relieved or disappointed. Either way this is awful.”

”I can't do it. It's too cruel. It's not...” He trails off and takes a seat, burying his face in his hands. ”He doesn't think the way he did when we decided to break up. I remember how in love we were, and he's living it right now. The truth would crush him, it wouldn't make any sense to him. It would be all he could think about. I really don't think it would do any good for him. He should feel safe and stable while he's waiting for recovery.”

”So what are you going to do?”

\---

Sauli wakes up again later in the evening after Danielle has already gone home, Adam having convinced her he would be alright waiting on his own. Before he goes to Sauli's room he dials Sauli's mom. He doesn't remember ever calling her before, even when him and Sauli were still together. It had always been Sauli calling her or Skyping, with Adam butting in to say hello. But of course he still has her number, just in case. He feels responsible for Sauli every time Sauli travels to him, wherever he is around the world. He didn't ever want to have a reason like this to call her. She'll be scared seeing his name on her phone first thing in the morning. He takes a deep breath waiting for her to answer.

”Hello? Adam?”

”Sauli is okay,” he starts off. ”He's in the hospital, but he's going to be fine.” He explains everything slowly and clearly, knowing her English is limited and it must be hard to take the information in anyway. She sounds calm, but he can hear the worry in her voice.

”Just one more thing, but this is important. Please don't tell him we broke up years ago. In the state of mind he's right now, it would break his heart. He doesn't need to know it yet.”

Sauli's mom is quiet for a long time before answering. ”I think maybe you are right. I do not like lying, but I think you know what is best. We trust you.”

He sighs with relief. ”Thank you. I'll go to him now so you can speak to him.”

Sauli smiles brightly when Adam comes in.

He hands Sauli his phone. ”Hey. I have your mom here.” What follows is a long stream of Finnish. Adam lies down sideways at the foot of Sauli's bed and listens to the familiar rhythm of the language. It's somehow comforting to listen to. Reminds him of the old days when he used to hear Sauli speak it often, calling to his family and friends. He doesn't understand a word of it—well, except for the yeah and no and the repeated mention of his name. He can't separate any other words from each other, it's all just a constant flow of sounds.

Sauli looks at him while listening, rolling his eyes a bit, and Adam guesses he's getting exasperated with his parents being overly worried. Sauli says something on the phone and removes it from his ear. ”They're offering to come get me back to Finland with them, or to come here to look after me. I'm trying to tell them I was apparently just there and there's no one I'd rather be with than you.”

Adam clears his throat to get rid of a constricted sensation and motions for Sauli to give him the phone.

”Hi, it's Adam again. I know you're both really worried, but I'll take care of Sauli,” he says, looking into Sauli's eyes. ”Like I said before, I think I know what's best. I promise I'll take good care of him and we'll keep you informed.”

”So he can stay with you? It's no trouble?” Sauli's mom asks, sounding unsure.

”Yes, he can, and not at all.”

”And what if it takes a long time before he remembers? What if you must go to sing somewhere?”

”I don't have anything I absolutely must do before summer,” Adam says. He can put off working on his album, there's no strict time schedule for it. It's a rare occurence in his life that he's so free, and it's quite a relief that's the case right now. ”If it takes until summer we will worry about it then.”

Sauli is really rolling his eyes now.

”Okay, I'll give the phone back to Sauli,” he says, handing it to Sauli again.

”Come on, Adam. I'm not an invalid even if I don't know what's happened for how many years. I'll be fine even if you have obligations.”

”Over four years. It's 2017.”

”Yes, thank you, my short-term memory is still fine.” Sauli shakes his head in amusement and continues talking in Finnish for a moment longer before ending the call.

”Are you fine, though?” Adam asks. ”I heard you had headaches and it hurt to look at your phone screen.”

”Yeah, that. I don't know, they said it's related to the memory thing and hitting my head. It might go away soon. I'm kind of scared how bored I'll be if I can't watch movies or anything. Think of how many movies I'd get to watch, everything that's come out since late 2012 is new to me. They still make movies, right?” Sauli grins.

”Nope, movies are gone. No one watches them anymore. That's history.”

”Is that so?” Sauli says giggling. ”What do people do to pass the time?”

”It's back to ancient days now. You know, gather around the fire to tell stories. Dance. Have sex.” He raises his eyebrow and tries not to giggle. When he was alone in the hallway he was moping and worrying about the situation, but now that he's with Sauli he feels so much better. Especially when talking lightly and not about their relationship. It feels like they'll be alright in the end.

”Sex, huh,” Sauli grins. ”Sounds like an effort. Although I do have a boyfriend that has suddenly turned into looking like a sex god.”

He can't resist. He crawls across the bed to lean over Sauli, whose eyes go half-lidded and mouth drops open. ”Not just looking like one,” Adam whispers and presses his lips against Sauli's. It's a slow and sensual kiss, but he keeps it relatively tame, even though Sauli winds his fingers into Adam's hair and tries his hardest to get Adam to deepen the kiss, sighing against his lips.

”Sshh,” he whispers grinning. ”You're a patient.” He flicks his tongue briefly against Sauli's lips and pulls back a bit.

”You're evil,” Sauli says, but smiles and takes Adam's face between his hands, stroking all over his stubbled jaw with his uninjured hand. ”But so handsome. And hot.”

”Have you seen yourself yet?”

”Yeah, of course.” Sauli grimaces. ”It's freaky. I look old.”

Adam laughs sharply at this. ”You don't look old, don't be silly. And I'm older than you.”

”My face is more angular than it used to be. I guess that's fine, but I have so many new lines.”

”What are you even talking about, you don't have any lines. A couple of laugh lines here at the most,” he touches the outer corner of Sauli's eye. ”And they're lovely.”

They smile at each other, Sauli continuing to stroke Adam's cheek until Adam can't stop a yawn.

”You should go home to sleep,” Sauli says. ”I'm sure it's been a long day for you. I've slept so much I'll probably be awake for some time.”

After making sure Sauli really is alright with him leaving, Adam promises he'll be back in the morning and gives him a goodnight kiss. Three goodnight kisses. On his way to the car he thinks of Sauli getting bored in his room without being able to use his phone or watch TV. He grabs his iPod and headphones from the car and jogs all the way back to Sauli's room, so he at least has something to listen to, both old and new music.

As he's driving along in the Los Angeles night his mind starts racing, different plans taking form in his head. There's no way he can take Sauli home. There will be nothing of his there, except for the odd t-shirt he's forgotten behind on his trips. Lots of things they'd chosen together, of course, back then. But nothing of Sauli's personal belongings. The hour is a bit unreasonable but Adam calls his PA anyway and puts him on speaker, explaining the situation with Sauli and his own intentions briefly and firmly. He wants to rent a small house, preferably close to his own one. It needs to be private and secure, of course. A large enough pool is very important, a sauna would be amazing but he knows it's not easy to find. The number of bedrooms doesn't matter, but the house should obviously be pet friendly. His PA promises to take care of everything as fast as he can.

\---

In the morning his PA calls when Adam is still in bed, saying he searched for a couple of hours last night and found a suitable house. He sends a link and Adam looks through it, agreeing the house looks good. His PA says he's happy to go buy all the basic furniture and things that the house is lacking—he's a godsend for thinking about things Adam would never think himself with all that's going on his head. He thanks him profusely and adds that the house should have a space for gym equipment, which should be moved to the new house from Adam's own gym. He'll drop by to sign the paperwork later, and to check what things he'll need to bring there on his own.

After ending the call he just sits in his bed for some time. It feels empty without a snoring Pharaoh, whom his mother had picked up yesterday at his request. He should call her again and explain. He's thinking of the magnitude of what he's getting into. But it's all for Sauli. He can just think of it as a holiday, a retreat with just the two of them, even if it's in his home town.

He showers, trims his stubble, puts on jeans and a black hoodie and his pilot shades. After a hasty breakfast he's out, driving to the hospital again. Danielle meets him there. She's already been to see Sauli but she's waited for Adam to hear what he plans to do about the situation, which he explains in the hallway.

”Isn't that sort of elaborate deception too much?” She looks worried. ”Are you sure you shouldn't just tell him?"

"It would break his heart to hear about the breakup. It's kinder to go along with it now. Once he has his memory back it will all be fine."

”Well, if you're not telling him, for all intents and purposes he's your boyfriend until you either tell him, he finds out somehow, or he remembers. You really think everything will be fine afterwards?” Danielle really seems worried about both of them. She's always had his back and she's taken such a liking to Sauli ever since Adam first introduced them, which he's grateful for.

”Yeah. When he remembers, he'll be the same Sauli he was before the accident happened. We were doing fine before this.”

He decides to finally call his mom as well, so he'll have dealt with both of the women who get the most opinionated over his life. It goes better than he'd thought. Naturally she gets very anxious about Sauli, but after listening to his reasoning in silence she doesn't disapprove much.

”Okay, if you know what you're doing. But Adam, don't you think it will blow up in your face if he learns the truth accidentally?”

”I'll do what I can to keep him from finding out, but only as long as it's reasonable. I won't go too far. If he finds out, then he finds out and we'll deal with it together.”

”Alright. You know it would sound really sketchy otherwise, but I know you two care for each other and have been—what do they call it again, 'friends with benefits' for so long now.”

God, it's kind of awkward to hear his mom say it. He's been aware that she knows, even though they've never said it aloud.

\---

Unlike the first time yesterday, now it feels like a relief to go see Sauli again. He's lying on the bed, the quilt kicked partly off so that one skinny little leg rests on top of it, hospital gown ridden up. Adam has an urge to kiss the bare knee. He gives a kiss on Sauli's lips instead.

”Morning, babe. Still living in the past?”

”Yep,” Sauli smiles happily. ”Still unbelievably strange seeing you walk in looking like that. My mental image of you is pretty different. Guess it takes time to adjust.”

”Has any doctor seen you yet?” Adam asks while sitting on the bed again.

”Yeah, and they took new scans, too. No change, except that the slight swelling has gone down. I'll get to leave tomorrow. Thank God, I'm getting so sick of this room.”

”Okay, that's good. Did they say anything else?”

”No, same old. I'm getting meds for my headaches but I should avoid looking at anything that makes it worse. That was kind of obvious. If it gets really bad all of a sudden I should be taken here right away. But no one knows when the memories will return, we'll just have to wait and see.” Sauli seems oddly unconcerned with his memory problem, but then again Adam supposes it's hard to miss something if you have no real sense of anything being lost.

Sauli grabs hold of the strings of Adam's hoodie and pulls them until Adam obliges smiling and leans in for a soft kiss. The intimacy comes easy, like it does every time they meet. During the past few years sometimes they've seen each other briefly, only catching up as friends, especially if there's been a large group of both of their friends around—like on Adam's birthday. But more often than not they've had a chance to spend time with just the two of them, and it's been clear from the start they would enjoy the familiar closeness as long as they could before parting ways again.

For a while during the last couple of years they'd seen each other constantly, Sauli coming over to see his concerts with Queen as well as his solo concerts, and so on. Mostly they had been very brief meetings, though. Well, except for a couple of times during the holidays. But then last year there had been a longer break than ever, what with him being in Australia and Asia for so long. He'd had other pursuits, and sometimes it really is true that the less you see someone, the less you think about them. When they had at last seen each other in January, however, it had felt really good. It had been so peaceful somehow, relaxing, to be with someone who knows him so well and whose company he enjoys. He realized how much he'd actually missed Sauli. So now he'd been looking forward to seeing Sauli again. Just not quite in these circumstances.

Sauli starts talking about his experience of staying in the hospital, which he's never had to do before. He's clearly feeling talkative after not having many people to talk to. Adam listens smiling.

”I got to take a shower and saw that I actually have muscles now?”

”Yeah, you do,” Adam laughs. ”Although you've always been very fit. But it's true you're even more muscled now. It's hot. You've been working out a lot.”

”Damn.” Sauli scratches his stubble, which is starting to get long. ”I guess I should keep working out, then. I'm sure the current me would hate me later if I stopped doing it now.”

Adam starts giggling and rests his forehead against Sauli's hip, his shoulders shaking. ”You're not two different people!”

”Feels like it, though. Like the 2017 me is someone other people know but I don't.”

”No, I can guarantee you're the same. There's only one of you. It will all make sense when you remember. We'll both laugh about all of this.” He lays his head on Sauli's thigh and smiles when Sauli starts running his fingers through Adam's hair.

”Have you been blond for long? It's almost silvery,” Sauli says sounding fascinated.

”I just dyed it recently. It was more like ginger the last time... The last time you saw me.”

”Wow. Never thought that day would come.”

”It's been pretty much all the shades between blond and black.” He grins. ”Green, too.”

He waits until Sauli has stopped giggling before turning to more serious matters. ”So, about home. I didn't want to tell you earlier, and this might make you sad, but we don't live in the old house anymore. There's uh, been a new house for a few years now. And the thing with our current house is, there's a huge renovation starting right now. So we've rented a smaller house for the duration.”

Sauli does look a bit taken aback. ”Oh. Well. I guess a temporary house hardly matters to me if we don't live in our old home anymore and I don't remember the new one. As long as we're together.”

”Yeah. It might be a bit sparse but we'll make do. There's a big pool for you, but no sauna I'm sorry to say. I think we could have some quiet time together, just the two of us. Away from any stress.”

”I like the sound of that,” Sauli says smiling before looking at Adam's hand resting on the bed. ”You have tattoos now.” He strokes his finger along the tattoo peeking out under the sleeve of Adam's hoodie.

”I do. I'll show you all of them later.” Adam sees Sauli take a swallow before getting distracted by a ray of sunlight hitting his face. Adam gets up and walks to the window, closing the blinds a bit and turning to see if it's enough.

"No, please turn around again,” Sauli says.

Confused, he turns his back to Sauli.

"Baby..."

When he glances over his shoulder he sees that Sauli is staring at his ass. A burst of warmth travels through him and he grins to himself. He starts shaking it slowly, bending his upper body forward and widening his stance, shaking his butt from side to side and giving Sauli a show.

Sauli groans on the bed. ”Oh fuck, please have mercy. I shouldn't be thinking about sex in here but I'm thinking about it all the time when you're in the room. Actually when you're not here, too.

”Are you now?” He turns around to grin at Sauli, biting his lip, until he laughs when Sauli slaps a hand over his own eyes and takes deep breaths. It's kind of flattering how Sauli is reacting to him. He hadn't known Sauli liked his looks this much. It's not something Sauli has commented on a lot, even though whenever they've met up with the intention of being intimate with each other, Sauli has always made it clear when he wants sex. ”Okay,” he laughs. ”I'm feeling merciful and I'm removing the temptation from the room, but only because I need to go take care of some things with the rental house. I'll drop by in the evening.”

On his way driving to check up on the house a thought strikes him. Sauli has been thoroughly examined by now, but he should go get tested. They can't exactly use condoms if he intends to keep up the illusion of them being together. He knows what it will be like if the two of them are holed up in a house together for a long time, especially with Sauli feeling the way he does.


	2. Chapter 2

”Sorry I took so long,” Adam says to Sauli when he comes to pick him up the next day. ”I had some errands to run.”

”That's okay. I have so many other things to do here besides waiting for you,” Sauli says, but with a wide smile, all his piercings now back in place and his stubble looking scruffy.

”Ouch. I'm sorry. I would hate it if you died of boredom after surviving a crash.” Adam gives a peck on Sauli's lips and sits on the bed. ”I brought you some clothes like I promised, so you don't have to wear the ones you had at the time.” He opens a bag and takes out one of his own t-shirts, a sweater, socks and briefs, as well as jeans that fit Sauli that Adam actually went out to buy.

”Oh thank you, thank you.” Sauli pulls the gown over his head, hops off the bed and unselfconsciously starts dressing up. Adam watches him do it. When Sauli is done Adam stands up and wraps his arms around the smaller figure.

Sauli hugs him back. ”I definitely like hugging you like this. You're so—I don't know, masculine.” Sauli laughs against Adam's shoulder. ”Big and strong. I feel even tinier than I used to.”

Adam just squeezes him tighter and feels Sauli start stroking his back.

”I'm sorry for scaring you,” Sauli says after a while.

Adam gives him one more squeeze before releasing him. ”Don't be sorry. Let's just go.”

Sauli slips his shoes on, gathers his medical prescriptions and clothes, and they're ready to go.

\---

”Wow.” Sauli stops in front of Adam's car. ”Your car.”

”Nice, huh?”

”It's amazing. Just how rich are you now?”

Adam lets out a bright laugh. ”I've had some good gigs. I'll tell you about them later.”

Danielle had been thoughtful enough to find out which towing company has the wrecked car. They go there after getting Sauli's meds, deciding to come back later if it proves too difficult to get the possessions out since it's not Sauli's own car. But the process is surprisingly quick. Luckily Sauli had his wallet and passport in his pocket at the time of the accident, which makes it easy to prove that his identity matches the name on the luggage.

The rental house is located in West Hollywood, indeed fairly close to Adam's home. The house is quite small with two bedrooms, but it's pretty fancy inside. There's a spacious living room with a gas fireplace and huge windows giving out to the pool area. The previous night Adam had moved all his own essential items there, which had taken hours in the end. It was like deciding what to take on an extended trip. Of course it's always possible to drop by his house to get something if he needs to, but he'd rather not since it might complicate things.

”You think this is okay?” He asks when they're taking a tour around the house, Adam playfully directing Sauli from room to room with his hands on Sauli's shoulders or around his waist.

”Yeah, absolutely. I wouldn't mind having a place like this as a permanent house.”

They take Sauli's luggage to the bedroom Adam has chosen for them, where he's already made the queen-sized bed. Sauli opens the luggage curiously, but after seeing it holds only normal travel items and clothes says he'll go over it later.

”Your clothes are probably all wrinkled,” Adam says. ”We can iron them out. None of your things are here because you went to Finland before the renovation. But you can use any of my clothes of course, as always, and we can go buy more. It's a bit difficult to go to the other house now.”

”Okay. Thanks, baby.” Sauli reaches up to kiss his cheek. ”I really need to take a shower now and do something about all this hair on my face. Do I usually shave completely or do I keep a stubble?”

Adam throws his head back in laughter. ”You can do whatever you please. Just be you. I love all versions of you.”

Sauli smiles and disappears into the adjacent bathroom. Belatedly Adam realizes what he's just said. His heartrate accelerates and he sits down on the bed.

It came out so easily. Naturally he still cares deeply for Sauli and that's love too, right? But obviously it's not something they say to each other anymore. That would make things confusing. You don't say that to your ex, only to your family and close friends and any current romantic partner.

Adam is going to have to say it now, though. Stupid not to have thought about it before, really. Of course he would have to tell Sauli he loves him. It's not so strange that Sauli himself hasn't said it yet—this is Sauli, after all. Adam has become well aquainted with how different the Finnish culture is when it comes to voicing one's feelings. 'I love you' is said very rarely there, its meaning so heavy that it's not thrown lightly. However, along with adopting the English language Sauli had adopted the American way of saying 'I love you'. Adam was glad of it, back then. He loved hearing it and Sauli told him he loved saying it, too, as it was easier to say aloud than the Finnish words. Still, Sauli probably used to say it a bit less often than an American would have. Although sometimes Adam got to hear the Finnish equivalent, too. There was always a special look in Sauli's eyes and Adam could hear the weight of the words.

He smiles remembering it now. He can do it, he can tell Sauli he loves him. It's not really a lie after all, if you think about it.

\---

When Adam returns to the bedroom later Sauli is standing in front of a mirror, his hair still damp, wearing one of Adam's sleeveless tops and flexing his arms.

”Admiring yourself?”

Sauli lets out a chuckle, maybe a little embarrassed. ”It's just weird that I look like this now. All these muscles.”

Adam steps to stand behind Sauli, who leans back against him. ”Honey, out of the two of us you've always been the manlier one,” he says, putting his hand on Sauli's stomach and pulling the hem of the top slowly up to reveal the abs beneath, splaying his fingers over them. The muscles contract under his fingers.

”I shaved it all off,” Sauli says, looking at Adam's hand in the mirror. ”I just wanted to get rid of everything now, but I think I'll let it grow just a little bit.”

Adam lets the shirt hem drop and trails his fingers along Sauli's smooth, strong jawline. ”You keep getting more and more gorgeous.” They're looking at each other in the mirror and Adam thinks about kissing Sauli. A door buzzer breaks the moment. ”That must be mom.”

He opens the door for his mother, who's carrying two bags of groceries and has Pharaoh's leash wrapped loosely around her arm so that the leash escapes her when the dog starts bouncing around Adam. Pharaoh is jumping as high as he can, trying to reach Adam's face and whining excitedly. His mom pushes the groceries into Adam's arms and runs straight to Sauli, throwing her arms around his neck.

”I'm so glad you're okay, darling,” she says, hugging so tight Adam wonders if Sauli is able to breathe. ”I was so worried when I heard.”

”I'm fine, Leila, I'm fine,” Sauli says hugging her and patting her back. ”I just can't remember. It seems like I'm stuck in 2012 and you've all gone on without me,” Sauli laughs. When Leila releases Sauli Adam can see she's wiping tears from her eyes.

”Who's this?” Sauli asks looking at Pharaoh, who has calmed down a bit from Adam's soothing whispers but is still spinning in circles.

”This is Pharaoh. He's the recent addition to the house.”

”We have a dog?!” Sauli almost shouts in excitement.

Adam just smiles at him. Sauli gets down on his knees and thankfully Pharaoh, who had gotten so used to Sauli the last time he stayed at Adam's place, runs over wagging his tail furiously. Sauli adores dogs as much as Adam does, if not even more, and he's grinning and laughing, speaking nonsense to Pharaoh and scratching him everywhere.

Leila excuses herself and goes to fetch one of Pharaoh's dog beds from the car, squeezing Adam's arm tight as she passes him. Pharaoh doesn't use the dog beds that much at home, preferring Adam's sofa and bed, but they're useful whenever he's staying at an unfamiliar place. Even while Sauli is scratching Pharaoh the dog keeps glancing at Adam, tracking his owner's movements as Adam is putting away the groceries.

”He's really into you,” Sauli says a bit longingly.

"Uh, yeah. You were in Finland for so long,” Adam says, nervous whether Sauli buys into everything. ”He's had time to bond with me first, but I'm sure he'll bond with you, too.”

Sauli lies down on the floor and Pharaoh turns back to him, sniffing his face. "Hi, buddy. I love you already. Please love me, too."

When Leila comes back she insists on making late lunch for all of them, refusing any help. Adam sits down at the kitchen table and Sauli plays with Pharaoh on the floor while asking Leila how she's been. It feels like a nice, normal Friday afternoon. Adam's mom cutting vegetables and his boyfriend-but-secretly-his-ex playing with his dog. They're talking and laughing mostly over old things, but Leila is also letting Sauli know how everyone in the family is doing. She's good at avoiding any pitfalls, tactfully making it sound like Adam and Sauli are a couple but not exactly lying either. When Sauli gets up from the floor Adam wraps his arm around Sauli's hips and pulls Sauli to sit on his lap.

”Did Adam tell you Neil got married? And there's a baby arriving soon?” Leila asks Sauli while tossing vegetables in the pan to stir-fry them.

”No! Really? I can't believe it.” Sauli laughs. ”No, actually I can believe that of Neil. That's so wonderful.”

”It's a boy,” Adam says, keeping his hand on Sauli's hip.

”Aww.” Sauli turns to look at him. ”We'll get to meet another baby. You're going to be the best uncle. You're already the best godfather. Which reminds me, I should call my sisters at some point, I want to know what they've been doing.”

That dampens Adam's mood a bit—he hopes Sauli's parents have warned them, but he'll need to text or call them in secret anyway to make sure.

”Are phones much different now?” Sauli asks. ”I didn't get a proper look before.”

”Err, I don't remember what they were like in 2012. There were smartphones, right?”

Sauli laughs at him. ”Ye-es, there were.”

”Well, they're probably not significantly different, just a lot better. Faster, larger, more apps, more space. Here,” Adam says, taking out his own phone and opening it. Sauli takes it and looks at it, but very soon winces and puts it away.

”You okay?” Adam says, rubbing Sauli's back.

”Hurts my head. My eyes,” Sauli says, pressing his fingers against his temples. ”I'd better take one of those pills before it gets worse.”

\---

After they've eaten Leila hugs them both. Before leaving she looks at Adam meaningfully, but doesn't say anything. Sauli lies down on the sofa, closing his eyes and waiting for the painkiller to take effect. Pharaoh jumps into the small space between Sauli and the backrest.

”Adam? Can you check my messages and read them to me if there are any? I don't think I want to be looking at any screens for a while.”

”Sure, just a minute.” Adam goes to change into comfortable sweatpants and a t-shirt—something he usually wears around the house. He comes back barefoot, takes both their phones and sits down on the sofa next to Sauli, who moves closer to rest his head on Adam's thigh. He assumes Sauli still uses the same password, otherwise Sauli wouldn't have been able to open the phone at the hospital. Adam remembers it and is proven right when the phone unlocks. ”Wait. Are you asking me to read the Finnish ones?”

Sauli starts giggling, his head shaking on Adam's thigh. ”Oh shit, yeah. Sorry, I forget sometimes. Read the English ones if I have those, and if you could just open the Finnish ones for me, I'll try to take a quick look. Scrolling is the worst, I hate it when the screen moves.”

There are a few in English from Sauli's LA friends, who no doubt have heard about the accident through the grapevine. Adam knew it would be impossible to hide the fact that Sauli has been involved in a car crash—and why should it be hidden from Sauli's friends. He just hopes it takes some time before the fans and media catch on. The messages are just normal well wishes and he reads them aloud. He quickly goes through the Finnish ones, of which there are maybe a dozen, but his own name isn't mentioned in any of them. There are only a couple of senders whose names he doesn't recognize. Probably new friends of Sauli's. Adam opens them one by one and holds them for Sauli to see, heart beating fast. He hopes there's nothing that reveals the nature of their relationship. But Sauli just looks at them calmly, chuckling, and sometimes hissing in pain.

”I have no idea who some of these people are, but I suppose they must be my friends. That's funny. Can you reply them all with a thank you or _kiitos_ and some hearts?” Sauli closes his eyes again.

Adam hums affirmatively and starts replying. After that he goes over his own messages. He's fiddling with his phone when Sauli speaks up again with his eyes closed.

”I don't really miss my old friends yet. I'm afraid it would feel awkward to speak to people with the way I am. I don't even know how close I am to any of them now. Of course it was nice to have Danielle around at the hospital, but even that felt a little strange. She and your mom look a bit different. It's jarring, like everyone's suddenly changed overnight.”

”Do I feel jarring?” Adam asks.

”No. Well, not in a bad way. In a really exciting way. Your looks have changed the most. But you're still you.” Sauli blindly reaches out with the hand not currently petting Pharaoh, and brushes against Adam's chest. ”Mine. I feel safe with you.”

Every time Sauli says things like that he wants to break down and cry. He tries to take a deep breath quietly.

”I would love you even if I woke up and you had suddenly turned into a 70-year-old,” Sauli says giggling.

”That's gross. That's such a disturbing image. Even more disturbing if you remained the same and I was suddenly an old man. A horny old geezer with a hot boytoy.”

Sauli starts laughing loudly and opens his eyes. Adam puts the phones away. ”Feeling better?”

”Yeah, doesn't hurt anymore. I keep expecting you to have black hair when I look at you. You're such a blond,” Sauli says grinning.

”You're the one to talk.”

Adam's bare arms seem to now register with Sauli. ”Your tattoos,” Sauli says, touching Adam's arm with his finger. He turns around on his stomach, causing Pharaoh to move to the other end of the sofa, and gets up on his knees. He grabs hold of Adam's left arm and looks at the geometric tattoos closely, turning and lifting the arm to see it from all angles. ”I love it. Next one,” Sauli says, moving to straddle Adam and taking hold of his right arm. Adam feels a thumb brush over the tattooed word _oofta_ before fingers start trailing up his arm. Sauli is scrutinizing the ornamental tattoos. ”This is so beautiful, like art from I-don't-know-what century.” Sauli pushes the short sleeve up to Adam's shoulder to reveal all the skin. ”The Q is for Queen, right?”

When Adam doesn't answer Sauli looks at him with both his hands wrapped around Adam's bicep. They're staring at each other and Adam doesn't know what Sauli sees in his eyes, but Sauli's gaze drops to Adam's lips. ”Fuck.”

Adam licks his upper lip and Sauli goes for it. Soft lips press against Adam's.

Adam angles his head and starts kissing, opening his mouth just slightly, breathing into Sauli's mouth and pressing one kiss after another on the soft lips. Their kissing turns more passionate as Adam teases Sauli's lips with little flicks of his tongue before kissing him hard, pouring all of his feelings into the kiss and wrapping his arms around Sauli. He wants so much to make Sauli feel good.

Sauli melts against Adam, sitting down heavily on his lap and arching his back, pressing his body against Adam's front, grabbing the sides of Adam's face and kissing back eagerly. Adam finally opens his mouth enough to let Sauli slide his tongue inside to brush against Adam's. This makes Sauli thrust his hips and Adam give a muffled moan. His dick is getting hard fast, trapped under Sauli who's grinding his hips slightly while kissing Adam, the wet sounds echoing in Adam's ears.

Adam trails one hand down Sauli's back to grab a handful of his ass, wrapping his other arm around Sauli's back and pulling him tight against his body. With one move he turns them and presses Sauli down on his back on the sofa, himself kneeling between the spread legs. He sits up and grins at Sauli before taking hold of the hem of his own black t-shirt and slowly pulling it off over his head.

He's always had issues with his body, but he's definitely much more comfortable in his own skin now than all those years ago, even if on some days he hates the way he looks. In recent years he's alternated between working out in a strict program trying to meet certain expectations, and realizing he doesn't have to please anyone but himself, working out just to the extent that he wants to in order to be in good shape and feel sexy. He has the power to change his body if he chooses to, but he's noticed he has an effect on people even without having the muscles a bodybuilder would have.

Sauli is looking at him with his mouth open, breathing heavily. There's an obvious bulge in his jeans. Adam sees him form the word 'baby' with his lips, but no sound comes out. Grinning, Adam turns his body a little and shows Sauli the large tattoo on his side.

”Is—is that...?” Sauli clears his throat.

”Antinous, yeah. The one I've always liked.”

Sauli starts tracing the tattoo with his fingers. ”I like it. Does he—does he represent a part of you, or what you feel desire for?”

”Both,” Adam says biting his lip and lying down on top of Sauli, covering the smaller body. They're kissing again, Sauli dragging his hands along Adam's naked back. Adam hooks his arm under Sauli's knee and pushes the leg up, starting to grind his hips in a circular motion, pressing his own cock against the hard bulge. He swallows Sauli's moans and grinds harder, panting into the kiss. When he breaks off to take a deep breath, he bursts into laughter.

”What, what?” Sauli says, trying to look up over his head.

”Pharaoh is staring at us,” Adam manages to say. ”He looks absolutely shocked. I think we should move this into the bedroom.”

They get up giggling, Adam taking Sauli's hand and leading him to the bedroom, making a high-pitched sound when he feels Sauli grab his ass on the way. Pharaoh tries to follow them but Adam closes the door just in time, cracking it open a second later to throw the dog bed in the hallway to keep Pharaoh calm.

His plan to concentrate on making Sauli feel good starts derailing when Sauli pushes him towards the bed and makes him fall down on top of it.

”Lie down, don't move. I need to look at you and touch you, I can't wait anymore.”

”Oh, fuck,” Adam whispers. He gets comfortable on the bed and looks at Sauli with half-lidded eyes. His sweatpants are tenting obscenely.

Sauli takes off his shirt and jeans, leaving his briefs on and climbs on the bed to straddle Adam's hips again. Almost absentmindedly Sauli starts stroking Adam's cock through the material with his left hand, while dragging his gaze all over Adam's upper body, looking to his fill. With his right hand Sauli starts touching him all over, careful not to bend the injured wrist too much.

Fingers slide over Adam's pecs, stroking his chest hair. ”The original high?” Sauli asks, looking at the words under Adam's collarbone before leaning down to kiss them.

”I'll explain it to you later,” Adam says, his voice jumping on the last word as a warm tongue licks over his nipple. He puts his hands on Sauli's hips as Sauli goes to town, kissing and licking his neck, probably leaving a mark since he sucks so hard that Adam yelps. All the while Sauli is fondling Adam's cock, the movement with his left hand frustratingly not as controlled and effective as it would be with his right hand. Sauli slides his open mouth on Adam's chest, licking and sucking the hard nubs, opening his mouth wide and gently biting Adam's skin, leaving faint teeth marks. Sauli moves his hips further back on Adam's thighs and trails his mouth down the abdomen, focusing on mouthing the treasure trail under Adam's naval for a good long while. It feels like Sauli wants to eat him alive.

”You're getting wet,” Sauli says, palming Adam's cock while dragging his tongue through the hair leading down.

” _Fu-uuck_ ,” Adam breathes out, stretching his arms up to grab hold of the metal headboard. This distracts Sauli, who lets out an appreciative sound and moves to sit on top of Adam's hips again, reaching up to slide his hands over the muscles on Adam's arms, and lying down on top of Adam to kiss him again. Adam bucks his hips and arches his body up, while Sauli rubs his whole body against Adam's and kisses him hard.

”You're too hot,” Sauli mumbles into the kiss. ”I love your tattoos.”

”You haven't seen all of them.” Adam grins when Sauli's eyes widen.

Sauli sits back and Adam lifts his butt so Sauli can pull the sweatpants and underwear all the way off. Sauli starts laughing when he sees the tattooed calf. ”Oh my God. I thought you had tattoos around your dick or something.” He lifts Adam's leg up and looks at the tattoo. ”This is actually incredible work. Really beautiful. Little Pharaoh.” Adam's calf gets kissed as well before Sauli sits between Adam's spread legs and looks at Adam's cock, which is standing up against his stomach, bobbing slightly in time with Adam's heavy breaths. Sauli looks into Adam's eyes, looking desperate.

”Whatever you want, baby, please,” Adam says, his voice husky. Sauli lies down between his legs and licks a long stripe up Adam's cock.

”Oh, God.” Adam grabs the headboard tight as a wet tongue starts slowly licking all over his cock. Sauli kisses the length and flicks his tongue around the head before taking it in his mouth, starting to move his head up and down, sucking him hard. It feels insanely good. Adam raises his head to look down and Sauli glances at him, mouth wrapped around Adam's cock and looking wrecked. His cheeks are flushed and curls messy. Sauli's right arm is hooked around Adam's thigh, keeping it spread, but Adam can see Sauli's left hand is buried inside his briefs, working his cock while he's sucking Adam.

The way Sauli is so greedy for him is too much. Sauli groans as he breaks off to take breaths and swirl his tongue around the slick head.

”You're killing me, baby. I'm going to die,” Adam whines, his heart beating madly. He's moving his hips in the tiniest rhythm, not wanting to choke Sauli.

”No you're not, you're going to come,” Sauli says and takes him back in his mouth, sucking hard and holding Adam down when he starts thrashing. Adam's stomach muscles contract with the hard jerks of his body and his moans get increasingly high as he comes in Sauli's mouth, Sauli swallowing down what Adam gives him.

Adam's body is still trembling when he sits up and pushes Sauli on his back, wrapping an arm under Sauli's waist and pulling his briefs off. He looks at Sauli and grins, flattening his tongue and giving the flushed and hard cock a lick, but he barely gets his mouth on it before Sauli starts coming, and Adam swallows him down.

After Adam has licked him clean there's an irresistable urge to be as close as possible, and they kiss for a long time, sliding their hands over muscles and soft skin.

Finally Adam lies down on his side and supports his head with his arm. He raises an eyebrow while smiling at Sauli, who groans. ”Don't look at me like that. Can you blame me for attacking you?”

”You can attack me anytime you like,” Adam says, leaning to kiss Sauli softly. He wraps himself around Sauli, feeling needy. After a moment Sauli starts shaking in his arms, laughing increasingly hard.

”What?” Adam asks, amused and starting to laugh at Sauli who's trying to get words out of his mouth but failing.

”I just—I just—” Sauli gasps and bursts into laughter again. ”Help.” Sauli's face is red, tears in his eyes. ”I was just thinking how glad I am that you don't have my f—face tattooed on your other calf.”

The mental image is too hysterical, coupled with how delightful Sauli is when he gets the giggles, and Adam starts laughing hard.

”I don't know, there's still room if the mood strikes.” He grins at Sauli. ”Both my boys tattooed on my calves.”

”Please, no, I'll do anything.”

”Mm. That's a nice offer.” Adam blows a raspberry on Sauli's stomach, knowing it tickles him.

Their laughter gets Pharaoh's attention and they hear him whining behind the door. Adam suggests they clean up and take him out for a walk.

\---

They're taking a lazy stroll at Runyon, Adam letting Pharaoh off leash as he never goes too far.

”It's 2017,” Sauli sighs as they're walking along. ”I can't get over how strange that is. It's actually Finland's 100th birthday this year, we gotta make sure to spend some time in there if possible. I'm sure there are lots of parties and events. Is there anything immediate I should know about the world? Looks like it hasn't ended yet.”

”Oh, lots of death and destruction. Sad things. We have a barely sentient piece of garbage for a president now, but believe me when I say you'd rather not know the details. You're lucky for forgetting it.” Adam shivers in disgust and takes a swig out of his water bottle. ”Any important new music was on the iPod.”

”I noticed you didn't have any of your own music on it. I missed hearing it. How has it been with your music?”

The overly careful question kind of irks Adam. Just a little. Doesn't Sauli think he's managed to produce anything new in over four years? But at the same time he appreciates the kind approach, knowing fully well Sauli knows how hard it was for Adam when his second album didn't enjoy the success he'd hoped.

”I made a new album, it came out in 2015. This is actually the title.” Adam pats his chest where the tattoo is. ”It meant a lot to me. You can listen to it later, I think you'll like it. Well, you did before. But I don't want to pressure you into liking the same things now. Maybe you'll hate it now,” he says laughing. ”It's pretty different from what I've made before—more cohesive, and I tried a lot of different sounds, vocally. I've actually been working on new music now, that's why my schedule is so flexible. No need to go someplace else. You can hear some of that stuff, too, if you want.”

”Of course I'd love to,” Sauli says, picking up a stick and throwing it for Pharaoh. ”And what have we been up to? Are we happy?”

Oh, no. ”Well, you've been working at your new job as a PT, like I've told you. I've been touring a lot, both as a solo artist and with Queen, and you've joined me whenever you've been able to. It's... It's been good. I think we've been happy, yeah. Ups and downs. Normal.”

”Okay.” Sauli takes Adam's hand. ”I love you.”

”I love you, too.” It's not that hard to say but Adam is glad of his shades, because a couple of tears escape his eyes.

”Did you say touring with Queen?”

They end up taking quite a long walk since Adam gets excited about explaining all of his adventures with Brian and Roger and the rest. It's funny to see Sauli's reaction—after all Sauli was there for the three London shows all those years ago, and it must be mindblowing to hear that Adam has been performing all around the world for audiences as large as hundreds of thousands of people.

\---

In the evening Sauli falls asleep on the sofa. Adam watches TV for a couple more hours since he keeps such strange hours. Eventually he wakes Sauli up and half-carries him to bed. Pharaoh curls up at the foot of the bed, calmly accepting that Sauli is again robbing his usual spot next to Adam like he did a few months back.

”I'm gonna try the pool in the morning,” Sauli mumbles, and Adam kisses his cheek.

He stays awake for a while, sleep eluding him. It's hard not to question a little bit whether it's right that he's created this illusion. But even if it sometimes feels hard now, once Sauli regains his memory everything will be okay, once he remembers that he doesn't love Adam anymore. Hopefully he'll get that Adam would do all this because of what they have meant to each other in the past. It will probably be really funny once Sauli remembers that they're only friends. They both have a weird sense of humor. This is just a very literal trip down the memory lane.

\---

In the morning Adam isn't surprised that Sauli has woken up before him. But Sauli is not splashing around in the pool like Adam expected, but sitting on a bar stool in the kitchen, staring at a marble kitchen counter gloomily.

”What's wrong?” Adam asks with a sense of dread.

”Nothing,” Sauli says, but something clearly is. He looks as if he's been crying. Adam has to pry out the reason why Sauli is upset.

Finally Sauli throws a packet of condoms on the counter.

Adam stares at it, wondering where it came from.

”I found it in my luggage,” Sauli says, sounding miserable. ”I wonder why I would have condoms when visiting Finland. What if—” He takes a sobbing breath. ”What if the current me was cheating on you?”

Oh, Christ. Adam doesn't know whether to laugh or cry.

 


	3. Chapter 3

”They could have been left over from ages ago,” Adam says looking at the packet of condoms on the kitchen counter and trying to come up with an explanation.

”No, they're new. A few taken out but the expiration date is like five years from now.”

Shit. Sauli looks wretched, he's fidgeting and dragging his hands through his hair.

”Well, there could be whatever weird reason for you having them. Maybe you got them from somewhere and just stuffed them in your luggage. Free condoms, I don't know.”

Sauli looks even more anguished so Adam pulls another bar stool next to Sauli and takes a seat, stroking Sauli's thighs. ”Hey. I'm not worried one bit. I promise you were not cheating on me. Trust me. Do you feel like you would cheat on me if you had the opportunity?”

”I would never do that to you.” Sauli looks at him seriously. ”I don't want anyone else anyway.”

”As long as we've been together, I can honestly say neither of us have cheated on the other. Okay?”

Sauli doesn't look entirely convinced, clearly doubting his own actions. But then it strikes Adam. He doesn't even have to lie much. ”Wait. I know why you probably have them. You made a video a while ago, in Finnish. You told me you were telling people to use condoms. Maybe you made another video back in Finland, or were planning to make one here, and that's why you bought them.”

Sauli thinks about it for a while in silence. ”That actually sounds like some crazy shit I would do. Especially 'cause I wasn't always so smart about using them when I was younger.”

”There you have it,” Adam says smiling. ”We had—we have a good thing going on, trust me.”

”Okay.” Sauli releases a shuddering breath. ”Wow. Sorry about being so dramatic.”

Adam sighs with relief. He's not completely sure whether Sauli believes him, but it looks like Sauli is clinging to the reason Adam offers him, choosing to believe it rather than continue agonizing over the possibility of having done something awful.

\---

The rest of the day goes by calmly. Sauli swims and uses the gym equipment Adam has placed in the second bedroom. He can hear Sauli laughing and shouting excited comments about being able to use heavier weights than before. They cook together—well, it's Sauli doing most of the job, as usual, although Adam has had to improve his skills a bit. Adam writes some messages and emails. Sauli doesn't even want to try looking at any screens. While Adam is certainly not enjoying the fact that Sauli has to choose being a little bored over getting headaches, he's thankful because Sauli would only have to type their names into Google to discover the truth. Or notice he has an Instagram account and see how much he's really been in Finland instead of LA.

Adam adds all of his own music on his iPod and Sauli listens to his newest album. It's a repeat of yesterday's position with Sauli lying down with his head on Adam's lap, headphones on, Adam resting his arm on Sauli's chest and watching TV. Sauli is nodding along, tapping his fingers against his leg and grinning every now and then. Adam can't prevent his own smile every time he notices it.

”This is incredible, Adam.” Sauli removes the headphones from one ear after he's had time to listen to maybe a couple of songs. ”I love the music and I can't believe how amazing you sound.”

”Thanks, honey.” He bends down to kiss Sauli's forehead.

”Some of this is pretty sad,” Sauli says after a few songs.

Half an hour goes by and Sauli takes the headphones off, looking serious. ”I loved it. I could just drown in your voice. But I feel really sad all of a sudden, I don't know why.” Sauli turns on his side and hides his face against Adam's stomach.

He doesn't know what to say. He wraps his arm around Sauli's back and strokes the blond hair with the other hand.

After some time Sauli mumbles against his stomach. ”Are your fans worried about me?”

”They don't know yet. This hasn't leaked.” He makes a mental note to post photos or videos of himself so that the fans don't freak out due to his quietness.

\---

They take another long early evening walk at Runyon, but the next day decide to drive to Franklin Canyon Park. Sauli and Pharaoh seem equally enthusiastic about seeing turtles. On the way back they take a detour to drop by Adam's mom's house to borrow Scrabble and some other board games, and end up having dinner there.

Other than dropping by at Leila's, walking Pharaoh and going grocery shopping or getting take-out, they don't go anywhere else. Neither feel the need to socialize or go out in the evenings. It's lovely to spend some quiet time together. Well, maybe not that quiet, since they're almost always either playing music at the house or Adam is singing for Sauli, sometimes seriously and sometimes in a goofy way just to make Sauli crack up.

They go buy some art supplies after Sauli announces he'd like to draw something. Adam gets himself some paints when he realizes he doesn't even remember the last time he's painted. He sets up a canvas and starts by just combining different colors and painting shapes, looking for inspiration.

”Are you starting a nude drawing?” He asks, getting into Sauli's space and taking a peek at his paper. ”Can you draw me like—”

”No, I will not draw you like one of my French girls,” Sauli says, and Adam gets a mark from a charcoal stick on his nose.

Their Scrabble games are a mess, Sauli complaining that Adam has the advantage because Sauli is not a native speaker, and Adam objecting every time Sauli forms crazy-looking Finnish words, which Adam has to google to make sure Sauli isn't cheating. Especially when Sauli tries to form words using the regular English vowels, but which according to internet should have the weird dots over a's and o's. The matches end with letter tiles flying all over the place and one of them being kissed against the gameboard.

It's different, the way they interact, compared to what it was before the accident. There used to be a distance that Adam hadn't really been aware of, but now the lack of one is apparent. The way Sauli looks at him is sometimes almost too much. The blue eyes are shining. Maybe they used to do that back when they were together. Sometimes there's such an utterly content and satisfied look in Sauli's eyes. It makes his heart beat faster. He put it there.

One afternoon Adam walks across the living room and spots Sauli lying on the sofa with his eyes closed, headphones on and wearing his glasses—which at first amused Sauli to no end—and therefore looking especially cute. Pharaoh is sleeping on top of Sauli and Adam thinks Sauli might be sleeping, too, but he speaks up when Adam walks past.

”Can we make out?”

Adam makes a sharp turn and walks back. ”Yes, we can.” He picks poor sleepy Pharaoh up and deposits him at the other end before dropping down on top of Sauli.

Their libidos are rather on an overdrive. It's the constant close proximity; for Adam the newly discovered intimacy why he doesn't seem to get enough of Sauli, and the added spark from how enthralled Sauli is by the change in him. After the first day they've had sex at least twice a day but sometimes more, with multiple rounds or taking their time with it.

\---

On one evening a week since starting their stay at the house Adam takes Pharaoh out for the last time before going to bed, while Sauli takes a shower. When Adam returns Sauli is standing in the kitchen in a white tank top and red shorts, drinking water, a speck of toothpaste on his cheek.

”I've been thinking,” Sauli says after setting the bottle down. ”It's not just your looks that have changed. There's something about you, like this powerful confidence. I think you were confident before, too, but not like this. It's sexy.”

Adam doesn't know what gets into him, but he wants Sauli right now. He throws his jacket and cap on the floor and walks up to Sauli, backing him against the kitchen counter and lifting him to sit on top of it.

”Oof,” Sauli says grinning, circling his arms around Adam's neck. Adam gets between his legs and licks quickly over Sauli's lips, again when Sauli gives a faint moan and tries to chase his tongue. He presses their lips together and slides his tongue against Sauli's hungrily, feeling like there's a direct line between the sensation of kissing Sauli and his cock.

Sauli seems to sense the mood and he kisses back just as eagerly, cupping Adam's stubbled cheeks and looking at him with heavy-lidded eyes between the kisses. When Adam pulls him right on the edge of the counter so he can thrust his hips against Sauli's crotch, Sauli wraps himself around Adam like a monkey. Panting against Sauli's mouth Adam pushes his hand down the back of Sauli's shorts. He slides one finger down, down, past the tailbone, and Sauli groans hard.

He's so turned on he feels a bit faint. Nonetheless he slides both hands under Sauli's ass and grabs tight, lifting him off the table and walking them towards the sofa, Sauli clinging to him.

”That's hot,” Sauli whispers against his ear and bites his earlobe.

Before Adam can decide where to drop his burden, Sauli wriggles free and drops down, reaching up to kiss Adam hard before grinning and bending over the padded armrest.

His jaw drops. ”Hold that thought”, he says. He doesn't want an audience or inteference, so in record fast time he grabs Pharaoh in his arms and goes to put him in the bedroom, grabbing the lube while he's there.

Sauli is still bent over the armrest, looking comfortable having stuffed pillows under his upper body and resting his head on his crossed arms. Humming and swaying his butt slightly. Adam would laugh and cuddle Sauli if he wasn't so aroused. Instead he lowers the red shorts and stares. Knowing what he wants he kneels down and slides his tongue across one firm cheek.

There's a shocked noise and Sauli's body jumps. ”Oh my God.”

He knows this drives Sauli absolutely crazy. He starts licking lightly, slowly towards the center but not quite there.

”Please, please, please,” Sauli is chanting, and Adam chuckles, sliding his tongue along the crack with a strong lick. He places one hand on Sauli's back, grabs a fistful of the tank top and with his other hand spreads one cheek aside. Alternating between strong, powerful licks and light teasing flicks of his tongue he licks around the small pucker until Sauli is moaning quietly but non-stop.

He licks slowly over the hole and Sauli mumbles something, muffled into his arms. Adam grins to himself and bites one cheek gently before starting to lick repeatedly over the hole, sometimes faster and sometimes slow as he can.

It's completely melting Sauli against the sofa, making him spread his legs wide. Adam slides his hand between Sauli's legs, feeling the hard length. He keeps his hand there, teasing lightly while licking and making his tongue stiff, dipping the tip inside.

Sauli shouts and pushes his hips back. ”Enough, enough!”

Adam bites him again before struggling up. He pulls Sauli up as well and takes a seat on the sofa, patting his lap. Sauli pulls Adam's sweatpants down to his knees, drops his own clothes while Adam takes off his own shirt, and soon Adam has a lapful of naked Sauli.

He presses their hard cocks together and strokes them with one hand, spreading the pre-come around, while Sauli squeezes lube on his fingers and moves his hand behind, starting to loosen himself up a bit more. Adam catches Sauli's lips with his own and they're kissing again, slow wet-sounding kisses. He grabs the lube as well and slicks himself up, circles one hand behind to join Sauli's fingers pressing inside. Sauli's cock twitches against his in his firm grip.

”You ready?” He whispers, kissing Sauli's neck, his stubble scratching the skin. Sauli makes a sound and moves closer, taking hold of Adam's cock and slowly starting to sink down on it. Adam waits patiently while Sauli pauses a couple of times to adjust to the sensation, his eyes closed and mouth open, before bottoming out.

”That's so good, baby, ” Adam says, sliding his hands over Sauli's chest and around his neck to pull him into a kiss. Sauli starts circling his hips maddeningly while they kiss, grinding down and finding an angle that works for him best. It gets hard to keep kissing when Sauli speeds up his rhythm, grabbing Adam's shoulders and riding him faster. Sauli looks beautiful, the pleasure showing on his face, the hard muscles of his body flexing with his movements.

”I love how you feel,” Sauli gasps. After a while Adam grabs just under Sauli's ass with both hands, encouraging Sauli to lift up a little. He starts thrusting, snapping his hips up and watching Sauli's reactions.

”Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Sauli's cock is leaking between their bodies, flushed red.

Panting with the effort, Adam thrusts up in a steady rhythm, the dirty slick sound loud in his ears. He watches as Sauli touches himself, jacking his cock in time with Adam's thrusts before suddenly tearing his hand away, biting his teeth together, looking ready to burst.

”Do it,” Adam whispers, and Sauli takes hold of himself again, stroking a few more times before spurting between them, his body clenching around Adam's cock. Adam thrusts until he comes, pulling Sauli down onto his lap and holding him there, moaning loudly, his whole body tensing and toes curling from the satisfying orgasm.

”Fuck, that was good,” Sauli says slumped against Adam's chest, lips pressed against Adam's shoulder.

Adam huffs out a breath, not sure if he can speak.

”Bed now?” Sauli asks after their breathing has calmed down.

They spend a long time kissing in bed and fall asleep with Adam spooning Sauli.

\---

He wakes up to a delicious feeling of arousal, his dick hard and pressed against soft warm skin. Cracking his eyes open slightly he sees Sauli's fluffy hair. His cock is slotted right between Sauli's crack and Sauli is grinding his ass rhythmically back against Adam's groin. The strong spike of arousal that hits him makes him dizzy.

”Oh fuck, are you serious,” he groans against the back of Sauli's neck.

”Uh-huh.”

”You crazy Finn.”

Grabbing Sauli's hip he thrusts against him and slides his hand down experimentally to feel how hard Sauli is. ”Pharaoh?”

”I let him outside the door already,” Sauli says sounding out of breath.

”Mmh.” The head of his cock catches the rim and he realizes all the wetness he feels is because Sauli is still slick from the previous night. His lizard brain takes over and he pushes in, sliding one leg over Sauli's hips and pressing Sauli against the bed. Lying fully on top he starts thrusting, their skin slapping wetly together. Sauli's cheek is pressed against the pillow, his face scrunched up and moans coming out of his mouth.

Adam pulls out and gets on his knees, pulling Sauli on all fours before pushing back in. Grabbing Sauli's hips tight he fucks him with short, controlled thrusts that seem to feel good to both of them judging by the soft cries. He slides his hand down and pumps Sauli's cock until his hand gets coated in wetness, himself spending inside Sauli not long after, feeling like he's coming forever.

”You're mad,” he says after collapsing on the bed on his front. ”I love it. I don't know if my heart can take this.”

”No, it's good for your heart,” Sauli says, patting his butt cheek with loud smacks. ”Exercise.”

Later when Sauli is in the shower and Adam is still lying on the bed like a corpse, he thinks about all the sex they've had. It's been good, very good, and Sauli has obviously enjoyed all the new tricks Adam has discovered over the years. But he's noticed Sauli himself hasn't done all of the things he's previously used to do, when they've recently seen each other and ended up having sex.

Again it hits home for him how they've both had different partners since their breakup. It's an unpleasant feeling, but he's learned to accept that he can't feel a hundred percent distant when it comes to Sauli having sex with some different man. Flirting with another man, wanting another man, choosing to be kissed and fucked by another man. That's just the way it is. But while he can't deny that it's... uncomfortable, he also has no right to feel jealous, any more than Sauli has the right to feel jealous over Adam's partners.

He remembers the first time they revisited the intimacy post breakup. They talked about it afterwards and agreed it would be pointless to try to resist each other if they felt like having sex. If it happened again, as it likely would, they would be open and honest and let the other know if feelings of jealousy started creeping in, or if the other one fell for someone else and wanted to take that relationship seriously.

Every time they've met up Adam has wondered whether Sauli would tell him they should stop, that he's found someone at last. In January when Sauli was last in LA he had often been thoughtful. Now Adam suddenly wonders what if Sauli has actually found someone and doesn't remember it. There are a few new names on Sauli's phone, after all, and one of them, clearly a male name, has texted Sauli back after the initial well-wish. Lying there, he thinks of how much Sauli has forgotten, all the things in Sauli's current life Adam has no idea about.

He lets in a thought he hasn't dared to fully think about before. What if there's someone in Finland Sauli is in love with, or starting to fall in love with? Someone who's in love with Sauli, who should be taking care of him now instead of Adam? There's a painful feeling swirling inside him, choking him up and making him feel sick. He grabs his hair and pulls a bit, taking a deep breath. This pretend-relationship is getting his feelings muddled, confusing him.

\---

It feels like Sauli himself is living in the moment, not too concerned about what he's missed or how his memory loss affects his current life, since he has no recollection of it. He's even refused Adam's offer to buy a book about amnesia, since Sauli can read books just fine but not the scrolling text on screens.

”This is probably a stupid question,” Adam says, bringing Sauli a cup of coffee on the edge of the pool. ”But you would tell me if you remembered something, right?”

He gets splashed with water. ”Of course. Nothing so far. One of the nurses said that looking at photos or going to familiar places might help, but another one said it's unlikely to help and the amnesia just fixes itself in time. So who knows.” Sauli gets on his back and kicks off the side of the pool, floating in the water.

Danielle drops by once, his mom a couple of times, always declaring she'll cook for them. Adam continues checking any messages Sauli gets, Sauli now feeling up for typing a couple of short replies to the Finnish ones, but Adam handling the ones in English. He sets up a few Skype calls to Finland, and Sauli talks to his parents and sisters, but says he doesn't feel like talking to any of his friends. It must be absolutely exhausting to explain his condition, but to feel like there's nothing else to talk about.

One day Adam is watching TV when Sauli speaks up from the other side of the living room. ”I think I can watch it from afar now, as long as I don't come too close. My head feels fine.”

It's only a matter of time now before Sauli picks up his phone or Adam's laptop and starts finding things out.

”We've run out of a few things,” Sauli says. ”I'm going shopping, I can take Pharaoh with me.”

”You sure? I can come with you.” They both know he's scheduled to have a Skype call with Brian and Roger to make plans for the tour.

”I can do that myself, Adam! I haven't forgotten how to buy groceries,” Sauli says, probably exasperated but laughing.

He should stop being so patronizing, but he can't help but worry sometimes. It's hard to let Sauli out of his sight without feeling something terrible will happen. At least he has Pharaoh with him, he thinks, and laughs at himself immediately after. But he's glad Pharaoh enjoys Sauli's company so much. Pharaoh's obedience has definitely improved, with Sauli taking an interest in teaching him all sorts of tricks and improving the basic obedience along the way.

On that same night Adam is lying awake in bed, petting Pharaoh with one hand, the other wrapped around sleeping Sauli, feeling rattled because the sex they just had was more like making love than ever. He has to admit it's been like that most of the time, but this was really sensual, tender. He doesn't know why, but he feels raw, anxious. A couple of tears slide down his cheeks but he tries not to cry so he doesn't wake Sauli up. Everything will be okay.

\---

Adam goes to have his hair cut, alone, since Sauli says it's hardly more exciting for him than staying at home. When he comes back he finds Sauli sitting in the living room, staring ahead with a completely hollow look on his face, as if something is gone. Sauli's phone is next to him on the sofa.

His heart lurches. It's happening now, isn't it.

He puts his keys on the table but doesn't say anything.

"You should have told me.” Sauli's voice is empty of expression.

He swallows around a lump in his throat. ”Where did you find out?”

Sauli sits up straighter and clears his throat. ”I remember, ” Sauli says, still without looking at Adam.

There's a heavy silence. ”Everything?”

”Everything that's happened. Before and after the crash. Now that I've made a complete idiot of myself it's probably best we don't see each other for a while. I'm leaving tomorrow.”

”What—no, why would you think you've made an idiot of yourself?”

Sauli looks so distant, cold. Everything about the way he's acting is so different.

”You probably think I'm a sick fuck,” Adam says in a blank voice. ”Pretending to still be your boyfriend and getting all the benefits.”

”No, I don't. Don't put words into my mouth. I know you. You were trying to protect me. And we have sex all the time anyway.”

This is agony. ”Then why are you—why are you angry? Why are you doing this?”

”I need to go,” Sauli says forcefully, clenching his fists. ”Just leave me finally alone, Adam.”

Sauli doesn't look at him and he can't bear how terrible he feels.

”I'll leave you alone if that's what you want, but just please don't do anything rash,” he pleads. ”Stay here. For God's sake don't leave to Finland. Stay until we can talk. I can't leave it like this. Please.”

He waits with his heart in his throat until Sauli hangs his head, staring at the floor. ”Fine. I'll stay here. You should take your things and Pharaoh and go home. There's no renovation at your house.”

\---

Next morning Adam is staring at himself in the mirror. He's barely slept. He missed Sauli at night. His eyes are red from crying. He remembers the last time he looked like this, back at the hospital. How the hell did it go so wrong? It doesn't stop hurting.

His phone rings, and he runs to it, almost running over Pharaoh. It's not Sauli, it's his mom. He answers, knowing if he doesn't he'll have to call her back later anyway. She immediately hears something is wrong.

”He remembered,” Adam says. ”You were right. It blew up in my face, although I'm not sure I quite understand why. He understood why I did it, but he was—he was devastated.”

”Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry.” His mom sounds so apologetic and it's making him feel worse. ”I hope you can work things out. You should talk to Danielle, I know she was talking to Sauli before all this.”

”How?”

”Gossip. Her mom was around these parts the other day and she told me Danielle had said how horrible it felt to see Sauli in the hospital, because she'd gotten close to him during the past couple of years. They'd been calling each other a lot.”

He didn't know that.

\---

He goes to see Danielle, and they sit down in her backyard. She gets tearful and anxious as soon as Adam tells her Sauli has remembered and it's gone badly.

”Danielle, do I understand correctly that you might have an idea why he reacted like that?”

She nods. ”You're my friend, Adam, but Sauli took me into his confidence. A while ago now. He wanted to talk to someone who knows you. There's been no reason to tell you before, and you have no right to get angry. I hate to break my promise now, but I think the situation calls for it.” Danielle takes out a tissue and wipes her eyes.

”So.” She laughs nervously. ”There's no easy way of saying this, but you should know that he's been in love with you all along. He's been agonizing over whether he should stop coming to you every time you snap your fingers, every time you ask for his company. Break all ties for good. I've repeatedly told him that he should, since he's hurting so much, but he hasn't been able to do it.”

She starts tearing the tissue into smaller and smaller pieces. ”I know it was a mutual decision to break up. I think you both noticed you had lost the initial euphoria of being in love and it was easy to decide to go separate ways. I think neither of you was emotionally very mature back then, but these are just my opinions. From the conversations I've had with Sauli, it's clear that since then he's fallen head over heels again. He's kind of evaded the question when I've asked when it started, but I think it's been going on for at least over two years now. It's not healthy for him to keep being attached to you, getting only a small fraction of what he wants but not feeling able to fall in love with someone else either.”

She drinks from her glass of water before continuing. ”That's why I've found this whole thing so tragic. He got what he wanted but only for a little while as a pretense, a joke. He's loved you for so long, unable to let go, always asking me about you. 'Is Adam happy?' Like that's the only thing that matters. Always seemingly so carefree when I've seen him here in LA. And maybe he has sometimes found a balance and other things to think about, but sometimes when he's called he's sounded so sad. That's not a way to live. He deserves better. Someone who can love him back. It's a different thing loving someone just as they are, not just loving the way they make you feel when you're high on all the—all the love chemicals and shit.”

Adam has listened through her speech in silence, without moving. The entire cruelty of his actions becomes clear to him.

Danielle looks at him with a sad smile. ”There was one time when I thought about telling you, last summer. Sauli called and told me you two had seen each other several times when you were touring in Europe. He was sad, knowing he probably wouldn't see you for a long time. I nearly called you so you could be the one to break things off, since he couldn't do it. You could have told him you'd never see each other again—I think it would have been kinder than have him missing you, waiting and hoping to see you.”

That was back when he'd been so busy with other things.

He stands up. ”Thank you for telling me,” he says, starting to walk away.

”Adam, wait!”

But he needs to be alone, so he walks to his car and starts the engine, driving for a couple of minutes before pulling up at the roadside. He looks at his hands clenched around the driving wheel, black nail polish a bit chipped.

He's done such a terrible thing.

\---

He ends up driving for hours, afterwards taking a long walk. Thinking, trying to sort things out, to decide what needs to be done. In the evening he texts Sauli, asking if he can come over. He feels like a coward about texting, but he wants to see Sauli face-to-face instead of talking on the phone.

He has the keys so he gets in. Sauli meets him in the hallway. He looks so defeated and remote, arms wrapped around himself. They go sit down in the living room.

”You said you wanted to talk,” Sauli says, looking in Adam's direction but not meeting his eyes properly. ”Let me say something first. Yesterday I said you should have told me the truth. I take that back now. I don't blame you for sparing me the truth. I was in the state of believing we were a couple, and obviously it was an act of real kindness from you to pretend it was so. But because of some facts that you don't know about, unfortunately I can't help but feel that you took the lies a little too far. You said you loved me. You shouldn't have.”

”I did. I did tell you I love you, and it's exactly what I should have said, because it's true.” He's almost shouting. Sauli is staring at him now.

”I know I've been a colossal idiot refusing to recognize it,” he says, standing up and looking at Sauli. ”I've been more than half-way there already, for ages, but I didn't want to admit it. It was easier to just see you whenever I missed you and try to forget you afterwards. I've been pretending that what I feel is just nostalgia, that you're only a friend and an old flame.”

He thought long and hard about his feelings and what he wants from life, from a relationship. He's been telling himself his non-relationship with Sauli is a simple thing when actually it's been anything but. The thrill of always seducing someone new is not something he actually wants, on the long run. It's so empty. He wants something meaningful.

”We should have worked harder,” he says. ”I should have worked harder. I feel like it was me who gave up. Relationships need work, it's not going to be a honeymoon forever. I get that now. But what we had was also real, it wasn't just an infatuation for me.” He draws in a shaky breath, terrified that Sauli doesn't believe him or doesn't want the mess that he is. He knows it can be difficult to be with him. ”You asked me to leave you alone, but I don't want to. I know it's selfish of me, but I want you for myself. I want to be the one who makes you happy. I want to trust you with my own heart. At least I should have come to my senses much earlier than this, instead of dragging you around the world in the name of casual fun. It's a miracle you've put up with me. There will never be another like you. I love you.”

The silence is too long.

”Are you sure?” Sauli asks, his voice unreadable. ”I don't want you to say that and settle for me just because you think you'll never find anyone better.”

”Am I sure, God.” He breaks into tears. ”Sauli.”

He sits back down, his legs failing him, looking at Sauli with blurry eyes and unable to prevent his sobs.

Sauli is smiling softly at him now, standing up and walking to him slowly. Sauli touches his cheek, wiping it, and Adam wraps his arms around Sauli, pressing his face against Sauli's chest and trying to calm his breathing.

”Please,” he says. ”You're the one for me.”

Sauli kisses the top of his head. ”We're a pair, aren't we,” Sauli whispers into his hair. The way Sauli is stroking his hair is starting to soothe the pain away. He can hear the smile in Sauli's voice. ”Maybe we should go play house at your home, now.”

”Not playing.” He tightens his hug. ”I hurt you and you're comforting me,” he says quietly. ”I'm so sorry.”

Sauli sits on his lap so they can look each other in the eye, and strokes Adam's cheek. ”Can I kiss you?” Sauli asks.

”Yes. I'm yours.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'm probably not dipping my toe into writing something so "close" to real life anymore, because this has destroyed me. (:  
> (What I've written is not what I believe to be true about their relationship, but writing this has killed me all the same.)


End file.
